pardon any spelling errors that occure. i have a new keyboard and it needs breaking in and on top of that, my glasses broke. i need new frames so hopefully i'll be able to see again within the next few months.
well i've been up forever it seems. no sleep and work constantly at least for the last 16 hours is insane. my feet are killing me and my mind is racing. i won't be able to sleep until after the people from the furnature place come and put everything in. it's weird because they set everything up for you. i'm from a middle class working family. i'm used to putting furnature in the house by myself.
well it's gotten my mind off of things. i've been feeling a bit down lately. mostly because i haven't talked to anyone. well, i got trav next week it seems. i barely did get to talk to him today. he's coming down next week to hang out. i would play ultimate alliance with him but the problem with that is, i can't have that till next month.....damn holidays. well, at least we can play tony hawk or something.
drexel's website is finally done. i still have a few finishing touches on it but at the moment, it's great. it's smooth and simplistic but old school. if no one else likes it, at least we will.
i've been listing to the new bright eyes cd. i think everyone should check it out.
well i guess this is just a quick update. i need to finish up my room. today i'll be able to sleep in a bed. yay for no more bruised sides
well at the moment, i'm sitting here getting ready to start packing up more stuff and moving alot of it. i've got so much to do before wed. moving everything is going to be a mess.
well drexel's website is almost completely finished. minor updates but for the most part, it's finally done. i'm really happy i don't have to do much else to it. problem is that it's taking up almost all my webspace. good looking website though. while i was at it, i ended up updating jeremy-bryant.com and made a blog for the site up here. drexel's street team will be posted on here too. we haven't fully figured everything out but we'll probably put exclusive content on here and you'll have to have a password before we'll add you or something. i dunno. we'll figure it out.
well, i can't say i'm feeling all that great these days. all i want is to leave and i've been looking for a roomate. i do wished there was something to hold me here but it's just not happening. it seems more aparent that my friends are leaving. i just need to go elsewhere to figure out where i fit in life. i wanna feel something else besides despondent for once. it's hard to do when you feel completely alone though.
i feel guilty for some odd reason. i'm not even sure what day it is.
well i know drexel yesterday said he'd show up today although i can't remember for what exactly. i think it had to do with my desk. i can't remember if he was doing something with the site or not tomorrow though. i dunno. technically it's today because it's 7:40 am. i dunno. i need sleep. well my desk is fully falling apart. i'm lucky the monitor isn't collapsing it. he was going to help me put a support in it for the time being....really it needs to be thrown outside and used as fire wood but then it would just suck at that. it's a drag.
well i guess i'm going to crawl in the bathtub for awhile. hopefully i won't be kicking on the cold water. it's not a comfortable space to sleep but it's something and i'm willing to take what i can get at the moment.
speaking of trav, i talked to shane the other day (this guy that plays heroclix over in charleston) and he wanted me to find out when it would be a good time for us to come down and "click it". it's rough being a geek in a small town so you have to go to other towns to find people to get geeked out with. for example, i could have a star wars party here but the people that might genuinly like the movies would only end up being about two people and anyone else would be people who act like they like it but i don't think they'd show anyways. it's not the trend anymore. i've brought heroclix to college and got more people playing...problem is, no one has a car around here. well anyone in my group anyways.
another flaw to living in a small town is the fact that it's not that easy to get a job. which i think the way walmart my friends and i act in walmart, they're not ever going to hire me. especially after that last lightsaber fight. it's good they didn't kick us out.
when i first started college last fall, i started grouping everyone which i should do i know but it's made alot of sense to do that. i met so many different people but i started noticing that depending on where you come from, depends on how most people act...notice i didn't say all.....take where i'm from (which is where the college is located by the by) for example. normally we're the 2nd most hickish and leader in theives, murderers, christians, and drug dealers. now that's the parents and people in the mid and late twenties on. now the kids....well we're a little more screwed up. the girls are usually redneckish that try to speak like "gangsta's" if that makes any sense whatsoever or they just get drunk and have lots of sex. us guys on the other hand, tend to go one of two ways, really sensitive but strong at the core or partiers that love sex and sometimes nascar depending on the amount of influence from a father. i fall into the former. i was raised by women and am comfortable with that. i write poetry and love nature. we're a rare breed. trav and his cousin richie are also the former.....that's about all of us. now, most of my ex girlfriends came from this one area. they all knew each other and have been friends or at least talked to the others ever since they were little. needless to say, they were all highly sexual. i'm talking after the first three days of seeing each other,one actually asked "how many times in a week" do i need "it".....after explaining that i'm a virgin, she got weirded out....naturally she cheated on me. the others were just....well....really kinky and would do "it" with anyone...now on the other side of the county, you've got the self-proclaimed hillbillies......now, what's funny about this bunch is almost all of the girls seem to be more of attention whores and the guys are more of the tough guy type. these guys are the worst because they start things they don't finish. not that they can't even try, just that they choose not to. which i'm not much of a fighter but i did almost kick one in the teeth the other day. that's the thing about the guys. they'll get on your nerves so bad it's not even funny. there's one bucked tooth one in particular that literally struts around and says, "keep my name out of your mouth".....not the best people to be around most of the time but there are some exceptions. logan in general is just party kids and scenesters that think hawthorne heights is hardcore.....i dunno what happend to real hardcore but i really don't think hawthorne heights is hardcore music. now the last spot i'll be talking about is numero uno for hicks. i'm talking being in college but they still have high school pride (not that it makes you a hick.....that's just one of the more...annoying traits), the accent will kill someone, usually alot of the time they'll only talk about sports, trucks, country music, and drinking. in conclusion....in the immortal words of roger miller...i mean the place is nice for some people, but it's not for me.
well it's late night/early morning and i'm ready to go to bed but most likely, that's not going to happen for at least another two hours. i've been doing alot of thinking and if anyone know's me, they know that could either be really good or really bad. lately, i haven't talked to anyone really. not that i trust too many of the people that i talk to in the first place. i started thinking about people that i used to enjoy talking to and what really went wrong and i dunno. it's like, either we all fell away from each other or there was a fight. why can't there be a fight with the people i don't like that well? i started thinking about my ex. i loved talking to her so much and she always made me feel like a kid. just being around that atomosphere was great because it was really playful. we played alot with each other. it got complicated though and she didn't like my political stand (and still doesn't like my more refreshed and updated version) nor my beliefs towards religion. i actually never talked about those two things until later on. she was always talking about how i'm going to end up. she came from a conservative family and i guess she expected me (a former poor kid turned middle class who really raised himself) to share her beliefs on god and the war. i've always saw god and the war in the same way. they can either humble someone or turn someone into violent monsters hell bent on the destruction or damnation of anyone who questions it or thinks differently. most of the time, it's the latter. i miss talking to her. i don't know if i'm in the wrong or she is but we can't have a conversation without her bringing up
the subject of me going to hell. i just wished i could be friends with her.
i'm seriously thinking about sleeping in the bathtub since the floor is the only other option at the time.
i'm starting to feel really old. everyone now is getting married or having babies. i feel like i'm getting left behind. since when has 21 felt old? i feel like i should own my own home with a great wife in suburbia and 2.5 kids. i don't know what to say about it. even some of my ex's are getting married. this is the part where the bitter part of me that hasn't shaved in a month or even got a hair cut should say i hope the marriage doesn't last long but inside really, i hope this one in particular grows up a little bit and i hope it works out. she cheated on me and in a way, i still feel bitter but i hope she finds happiness one day. she deserves to be happy even if i'm not. i'm afraid i'm always going to be the third wheel though. it's awkward having your friends have someone and them kissing and talking about the other person and it's been over a year since i even touched a girl. i just look at the ground or table depending on where i'm at and just get quiet. i don't know what to say to that stuff.
anyways, to leave this post, here's some old poems i wrote that i found. they were written back when i used to drink so interesting stuff:
********Your Wedding Day
I'm happy for you.
Things work out in the end I'm told.
I'm not so sure I believe it but I'll lie to myself.
I'll just lie to everyone while I'm at it.
You look as beautiful as you ever have.
Walking in white with flowers in hand.
Smile through the tears.
This is your day.
These perverse motions of smiling while dying.
My friend pats me on the back and says that I'm the better man.
Somehow I doubt that.
If I was then maybe I would have been up there watching you walk towards me today.
Instead, I sat in my seat with a blank stare just trying not to get up and walk away like I always seem to do.
Everyone will raise their glasses in a toast to the bride and groom.
I just stand with mine as I stare down at my feet.
The most beautiful day and I'm not enjoying it.
I probably should.
I watch you dance with the groom.
I watch you dance to this song that I'm singing in my head.
I think the wine has finally gotten me to the point of saturation.
Or maybe I'm just too sensitive.
A history and a glance lead us to the moment where we're perfect strangers even though I'm imperfect in every way.
You'll forget about me and all those moments we shared playing games and just being around each other.
I'll never forget about you and all those moments our hands touched and we sang to one another during happier times.
After today, there will be no trace of us or our pasts.
After today, I'll let you be happy.
I'll lie and say I am.
A sullen silent lullaby.
The day is finally at a close.
No more holding on to things I'd rather not forget.
Older but never wiser.
We will go on about ourselves as if nothing had ever happend.
Older but never wiser.
These feelings won't fade.
They'll just be denied without a second thought.
*********The Angry Sea
The captain hugged his wife tightly as he was ready to set sail.
Her eyes made of water in glass.
His made of steele.
He whispered that he loved her before boarding.
She handed him her handkerchief before he left.
As the ship parted from the dock, he held it close to his face and smelled it.
Roses and her soft skin.
Three days at sea and it had been rough.
Storms everyday so far.
The captain thought to himself, "God must be crying".
Waves crashing against the vessel rocking it to the brink of flipping.
The captain held fast and steadied the ship.
"We'll make it to land by the morning!", he yelled to his crew.
He didn't have as much faith in that statement as his men did.
He knew they wouldn't make it.
The night was worse bringing lightning and thunder that seemed to convulse the sea.
Bodys just trying to hold positions in a useless display of the human spirit.
There was yelling amongst the men but none could make out words over the thunder and waves.
It was useless to fight it but they tried.
The waves became more violent.
A tug of war between man and nature.
The ship shook back and forth before giving in.
Twenty miles from shore and it had finally flipped.
The men tried to stay in place but the force from the overturned vessel had pushed them to the bottom.
Most died instantly from taking too much water in their lungs.
Others fought for a few seconds before giving up.
The captain died holding the handkerchief of his beloved wife.
He drowned grasping on to the only thing that brought him comfort.
That was one game of tug of war that the sea wouldn't win.
The wife had gotten the news as soon as it had came ashore.
Stricken with these despondent feelings, she couldn't function.
She locked herself in her chamber for three years.
Over the years she thought she could hear the captain's voice and over time, she started talking back.
He would soon lead her to where he was.
Four in the morning and she just stared out of the window looking at the angry sea that took everything from her.
Her bitter tears falling to the old wooden floor.
Suddenly she saw the captain, standing in the water.
Not knowing how to react, she stood stunned wondering if she should follow.
She gave in and ran outside of her home and into the chilled Autumn air.
The captain stood holding out his hand.
"What took you so long?", she asked in a whisper.
"I had to find my way back", she heard him say calmly.
She walked towards him and into the cold November sea.
"I'm scared", she said softly.
"I'll hold you hand love", he replied.
The waves came rolling in and drug her out.
She was finally with her husband.
The next morning, the townspeople found her home empty and the door wide open.
Everything in it's place and nothing mentioning where she had gone.
All that was found was her handkerchief lying on the sand.
Broken memories from a broken woman and she was able to finally mend it all.
A single thought and a grasp of a friendly hand and on she went.
Taken from us and given to the sea.
